When I initially saw my mom’s text message saying that she had given me “everything I needed” for decades, I felt a rush of fury and frustration. It didn’t seem like it was real. I was so stressed out because of all the bills piling up, the constant anxiety about paying the rent, the car payments, the food, and the never-ending stream of unexpected charges. My mom was also traveling the world and posting photographs of sunny beaches, historical ruins, and cute cafes. She was living the kind of life I wanted but thought I could never have. It ached that there was a difference. It made me feel alone, like she put her happiness before mine.
I wanted to fight back. I wanted to tell her how unfair it was, how hard my life was, and how unhappy I was that she wasn’t giving me money. But I decided to call her instead of sending her a harsh text. My voice was tight with fury when she picked up. “Mom, I’m not doing well, but you’re having a great time.” How can you do this when I need your help?
There was a long pause on the other end. Then she said, “This is my time now,” in a calm yet strong voice. I gave up stuff for you for years. I helped you grow up, supported you, and put my own life on hold. But giving you money won’t help. It would be good for you to think about how you got to this position.
That moment felt like a cold splash of water. She was honest, not nasty. I knew she wasn’t being disrespectful or thoughtless. She was putting a stop to it. It wasn’t about punishing me; it was about helping me grow up and take care of myself. I thought she would give me money to help me, but instead she gave me something far more useful and difficult: the skills and support I needed to help myself.
I was hurt at first. What made her think I could fix everything? But as I was thinking about it, I learned something really important. For years, I had been putting off really looking at my money. I would disregard my bank statements, wait until the last minute to pay my bills, and hope that things would get better on their own. I was banking on my mom’s past sacrifices to always be there to catch me if I fell. But that wasn’t fair to her, and it wasn’t fair to me at all.
After that chat, she didn’t just leave me to figure things out on my own. She stated she would help me develop a budget and a plan. We went over all of our bills together, including rent, utilities, food, subscriptions, coffee excursions that added up, and things we bought on impulse that didn’t make us happy. She helped me keep track of where my money went, and for the first time, I could see where it was going. It made me feel small. It wasn’t comfortable. But it had to be done.
She also urged me to obtain a second job to get extra cash. I started modestly by doing freelance work, selling things I didn’t need anymore, and helping friends and neighbors with things they needed. It wasn’t easy or pretty, but it made me feel like I was in command and gave me hope. I slowly but surely started to pay off my bills, save a little money for emergencies, and not feel so overwhelmed by the numbers on my statements.
During this period, my feelings about my mom shifted. I didn’t think of her as someone who was selfish or didn’t care anymore. I didn’t think of her that way. I thought of her as someone who had done her best to raise me and now wanted me to be self-sufficient and confident. She thought I could do it on my own, even if I didn’t believe in myself yet. She wasn’t saying no to him; she was getting back the life she had put on hold for so long. I found out that she wasn’t leaving me behind to follow her dreams. We each had a fresh start.
I don’t get jealous or mad when she sends me pictures from her trips to Greece or Italy or talks about a new adventure. I’m proud of her for living her life to the fullest, and I’m proud of myself for taking responsibility and becoming my own person. I’ve realized that love isn’t always about saving someone. It’s about being honest, knowing when to say no, and sometimes learning the hard way.
I’ve learnt that no one, not even your parents, has to help you with money. That’s the most important thing. Sometimes, the best help is to step aside and let you learn how to swim on your own. It’s hard to own your mistakes and issues, but it also gives you a lot of power. When I stopped waiting for someone else to fix my problems, I discovered a strength I didn’t know I had.
I am still learning and making mistakes, but I am doing it on my own terms now. And that makes everything different.
